This Is When You Become A Lesser Awful Person

 

 

 

You half-heartedly scroll through your feed when your neighbour's loud rock songs break your chain of thought.

"Keep it low!" you shout through your window, while shifting neither your gaze nor your position. 

And...you keep scrolling. 

 

You continue laughing at memes until they fail to even slightly turn the corners of your lips. When boredom starts hitting unusually hard, you begin working overtime to keep yourself busy. As you unlock your laptop to Microsoft Teams, the group chat makes you feel sick. Why are all the chosen idiots dumped in your teams ALL-THE-TIME?

 

You cannot stress enough on how dumb they are. Their lack of knowledge and common sense gets you second guessing your decision of having agreed to work with them. Without any hesitation, you lash out at them on the group chat. Not that it was necessary but you had the authority so why not? 

Just as you were looking at your sharp replies proudly, a flood of notifications come up.

Ugh, that one friend group that just cannot have a mature conversation.

You glance through their texts and mutter "childhood friends who always stayed children." The constant stream of texts annoys you and you mute the group notifications forever, wondering how much of your time- in seconds- they are worth.

You hear the sound of crickets and that's when your eyes reach your bedside window. You are surprised at how it's late evening already and you didn't notice. Next, your wall-clock catches your attention- because it wasn't until then that you realized how it's yet another Friday night but you're all alone. Despite that, what really shakes your world is the date that you noticed just minutes ago on the wall-clock. 

 

Your bestie's birthdate. 

It was today and you'd forgotten. A few hours ago the rock songs bursting from the birthday party were "disturbing" you. As you begin feeling guilty, another realization hits you- YOU NEVER WERE INVITED, to begin with. It keeps getting worse as all those memories begin to flash all at once. 

 

Your family being all patient with you, your friends putting up with your crap, your co-workers hesitantly working with you. And you? Well, you did what you've always done: Assumed everyone around you was an idiot. 

You sit back in your chair, suddenly lonely- and grab your phone to call someone because you need to talk and oh- you need it so bad- but you haven't even taken the effort to save contacts. Both literally and figuratively. 

Your friends don't mind though, eventually, they come for you anyway. They do it now too. A familiar voice calls on top of the loud party music, "come on!  Join the dance floor!"

You smile and nod but don't actually go. 

Because you know the step to becoming a lesser awful person is to realize others already deserve so much better than who you are, and to live up to that version. 

Because finally- and I cannot stress on this enough- FINALLY you admit to yourself...

"Maybe I am the problem"