Chapter 1. Maybe

1. Maybe 

I stared at the dead rabbit on my lawn for a bit too long. It had fresh deep cuts shaped by sharp, savage teeth. Blood poured over to the cement floor and reached below my shell-shocked body. 

In my reflection in the blood, I could see it again. Unshakable, undeniable, tangible regret looking at me in the eye. 

Maybe if I had reached a few minutes early, I would have been able to save a life. Maybe if I hadn’t just spent an hour on the bed, crying, I’d have reached downstairs in time. 

Maybe. My life has been a lot about ‘maybe’s lately. Maybe if I visited my mother on her birthday for once, she might think of me as a  lesser awful daughter. Maybe if I left early for work, I wouldn’t break traffic rules. Maybe if I wasn’t in the wrong place at the wrong time…

It just went on and on. 

I cycled through my lawn, making sure I didn’t crush the rabbit. I then went past the neighbourhood, towards the city side. 

The sun was like a dab of blush on the pink sky. The way those gentle twigs of grass swayed with wind or how the birds let the breeze carry them to places would be beautiful for normal people, maybe even poetic. If I hadn’t felt so dull I would’ve almost found it romantic.

Cameron always said one should live in the moment. Enjoy the ‘now’ before it becomes a ‘then’. He was Cam though, the guy who had mastered that art. And this was me, cycling on a beautiful sunday evening with a lifeless expression. 

Down the road I could smell doughnuts and cupcakes, and my first thought was about how much Cam loved those. ‘Do-nut refuse a doughnut’ I could see him say, standing in the long queue about a year ago. I could also see myself there, a little less grumpy than I am now. Heck, I even looked happy. Teasing and mildly hitting him and saying “you’ll make me fat! Crazy”. That little flashback faded as I reached the riverside road and another memory hit me. 

~~~

“Have you ever felt so misunderstood that you gave up on explaining yourself?” I had asked. 

“Mm hmm…who hurt you? Just say the name” 

Silence. 

“Remember though. No matter what, I will never think that way of you.” he’d said, gently pressing his hand against mine. 

“I know but- it still hurts sometimes.” 

“Don’t let it affect you”

“I’m not choosing to be sad”

“True, you aren’t. But you’re choosing to give up on trying to be happy. Start with pretence. You’ll start believing a lie if you practice it daily.” 

“Yeah. Thank you” I smiled then, and my eyes watered when I noticed how much care his eyes were filled with when they bored into mine. 

~~~

The two blurry figures from the past faded once again. I parked my bicycle along the street and walked towards a florist’s boutique. It smelled of jasmine and rose. 

“Do you sell blue water lilies?” 

“No, dear. Could I impress you with the other lilies?” said an elderly woman. 

“No, thank you” I’m not surprised they don’t have those here. They don’t have those anywhere nearby. 

“Search in the north-west valley” The Cam in my head whispered. He had a point. I might find what I need there. 

“Thank you” I said to him in my head. 

That was us these days.

Me and Cam. 

"Like 31st December and 1st Jan, moments away yet years apart."

(quoted Abhinav Kumar above)